Not Your Average Royal Treatment
by The Impossible Slashtronaut
Summary: En route to the Planet of Diamond Beaches, the Doctor and River accidentally crash the Diamond Jubilee. But something seems a bit off about it all – especially when Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II is packing semi-automatic weaponry... Eleven/River. Written in celebration of the Queen's Diamond Jubilee. T for behavior unacceptable from of any member of the Royal Family. COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

Here it is, my first fanfiction in months. In celebration of the Queen's Diamond Jubilee, no less...

* * *

The bells rang out over London, and the streets were crowded with hundreds upon thousands of loyal British citizens, waving Union Jack flags and cheering. The royal parade was snaking its way through the city. Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II sat in her royal horse-drawn carriage, waving regally to passerby. Prince Charles and Camilla, Prince Harry, and the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge followed Her Majesty's carriage in a limousine of their own. A royal band marched ahead of them, "God Save The Queen" trumpeting from their instruments.

Suddenly, the Queen's horses whinnied in fright as a gust of wind and a peculiar vworping sound pervaded the air. A blue police box materialized out of thin air onto the road before them, the vworping sound intensifying in volume. A tall, gangly man wearing a tweed longcoat, waistcoat, and a navy blue bow tie stepped out of the box, brandished a metallic, wand-shaped device, and scanned the area.

"No, no, no… well, this isn't the planet of the Diamond Beaches – _SORRY, RIVER – _and this definitely isn't Tremalond Ninety, either…_" _the man muttered to himself. He looked up from his scanning device and his face broke into a nervous grin.

"Oh, hello, Your Majesty…"

"Hello, Doctor…" said the Queen, standing up from her carriage seat and piercing the Doctor's gaze with a look that could simultaneously melt and shatter an ice sculpture.

"Am I interrupting anything… again?" asked the Doctor nervously, straightening his bow tie and stashing his sonic screwdriver into his pants pocket.

"Why, yes, you are," said Prince William, who with his wife Kate had already had their royal wedding interrupted by the Doctor.

"It's Her Majesty's Diamond Jubilee," added Prince Harry, "and my grandmother isn't very keen on having her 60th anniversary on the throne pushed aside by some mad man in a box!"

"Diamond Jubilee… no wonder my TARDIS sent me here instead of the planet of Diamond Beaches…"

Amid all this ruckus, River Song stepped out of the blue box, wearing a short, thin blue bathrobe over a rather S&M-y black bikini and lace-up sandals.

"Sweetie, what's all the commotion? Have we arrived at the Planet of Diamond Beaches yet… oh, hello, Your Majesty." River blushed a deep red at the sight of the Queen, and tried to cover her exposed legs with her robe.

"River, I don't believe you've ever met Liz the Second," said the Doctor, trying to diffuse the ticking time-bomb of tension pervading the air, "she's a lovely woman and a helluva monarch if I do say so myself."

It didn't work. River had already run back into the TARDIS, probably to change outfits.

Queen Elizabeth reached into her handbag and pulled out –

"Wow, Grandmother, since when did you pack heat?" Prince Harry sputtered in awe.

Her Majesty had just pulled what looked to be two stainless steel revolvers out of her handbag and was pointing them directly at the Doctor.

"Usually I'm a sweet old lady with a whole lot of power," said the Queen with an unprecedented amount of sass, "but when someone interrupts two royal celebrations in a row… I bring out the big guns. I'm the bloody Queen, mate, and basically, I rule."

The Doctor stifled a laugh as the Queen spoke.

"Well, I'll be damned, you're starting to sound just like Liz 10… what she will sound like, anyway… wow, I have got to start paying attention to where, no, rather, when I am…"

"Oh, Sweetie, what trouble have you gotten us into now," said River, reemerging from the TARDIS in her prison dress and combat boots. She kissed the Doctor on the cheek, brandished her Alpha Mezon pistol, and pointed it at the Queen's carriage.

"RIVER, NO! THAT'S THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND'S CARRIAGE!" shouted the Doctor, grabbing the gun out of his sweetie's hand and tossing it back into the TARDIS. "You don't just try and shoot the Queen of England's royal carriage during a parade!"

"That's not the Queen of England or her carriage, or even the Royal Family," said River. "It's a Multiform, like Prisoner Zero. Only this time, it's gone and mimicked both Elizabeth the Second and the Tenth. Dunno why it only copied the body and family of Two and combined it with the personality of Ten, but it's a Multiform nonetheless."

"WHAT?" was all the Doctor could say…


	2. Chapter 2

Just days after the real-world Jubilee concludes, I too conclude my tribute to Queen Elizabeth II. Long may she reign!

* * *

The Multiform Queen smirked at River's realization.

"How could you possibly figure all that out?"

"I've been brushing up on my alien identification skills ever since I started my sentence in Stormcage," replied River sassily. "Thank goodness Stormcage has a pretty good selection of staff to pinch books off of, or else I'd never have read _150_ _Ways to Make Sure It's a Multiform (and not your sister-in-law!)_"

The Doctor, who had just run into the TARDIS himself, reemerged with a serious looking, yet seemingly clumsily put together, device.

"Sorry, River, I know you can probably handle this on your own, but I may have something…."

"Really now?" River turned to face the Doctor, her gun still aimed at the Multiform Queen. The Doctor fidgeted with the device in his arms, which looked like the combined mechanical offspring of an iPad, a walkie-talkie, two hairdryers, and a Wii Zapper.

River arched an eyebrow.

"Is that what I think it is?" she asked.

"Yes, River, it is what you think it is," replied the Doctor happily. "It's an Electromagnetic Neurotransmitter Geographic Location Atraxi Notification Device, or ENGLAND for short. Clever, isn't it? Well, that's what I call it. Anyway, once you're done fighting Her Majesty – _wow, I'd never imagine myself saying that in a million years!_ – I'll just squeeze this trigger button, and that'll call the Atraxi to pick up their next prisoner…" The Doctor motioned toward the Multiform Queen.

"Oh sweetie, you are **brilliant**," murmured River, kissing him lightly on the lips.

"We may both be the brains of the operation, but in this family, you're the lover _and_ the fighter," said the Doctor, lightly returning the favor.

"Oh, Doctor," purred River, "you do know how to flatter a girl…" She hungrily kissed him again; he reciprocated willingly.

Impatiently, the Queen shot a warning shot from each of her guns into the air. The Doctor and River jumped apart.

"_Stop snogging and get on with the fight already!"_ snarled the Multiform Queen.

"With pleasure," grinned River. She leapt high into the air and, landing on top of the carriage with the grace and ease of an Olympic gymnast, punched the Queen in the face, spin-kicked her in the torso, and flip-kicked both guns out of her hands in what looked like one fluid movement. The Queen gasped in horror.

"What? How is that kind of agility possible? In a human woman of your age, no less?"

River pointed her Alpha Mezon blaster and one of the Queen's firearms directly in her opponent's face and grinned wickedly.

"Here's two pro tips, 'your Majesty,' for the next time we meet. One, I was raised by the Silence. And two, you do not, under any circumstance, threaten my sweetie."

Before River could shoot either one of her guns, the Doctor squeezed the trigger on the ENGLAND. Within microseconds, an Atraxi flew down from the sky and shone a tractor beam on the multiform kneeling hopelessly at River's feet.

"Prisoner 60 has been located. Thank you, Doctor," said the floating snowflake-eyeball. "Now Prisoner 60 shall return to its cell on the Atraxi homeworld, and the humans within this vicinity will be memory-wiped."

"No problem," replied the Doctor with a grin as River leapt from her perch atop the carriage and landed beside him. "Now what can we do about the real Liz the Second and her family, eh?"

"She will be restored, as will her family and Elizabeth the Tenth."

"Thank you."

With that, the Atraxi flew away into the sky; the multiform, now in its natural eel-shaped body, floating alongside, trapped in an impenetrable barrier.

"Now let's go to that diamond beach before the real Liz comes back," said the Doctor, playfully shoving River and himself back into the TARDIS. "The last time I crashed one of her events she beat me something fierce!"

"Talk about royal treatment," replied River flirtatiously, closing the TARDIS door. "You've never let me get that kinky with you, sweetie!"

The sound of a dematerializing TARDIS echoed in the stunned-silent air, gone just in time for the real Queen and her family materialized in their rightful carriages.


End file.
